"My name is Phoenix"
(collage and oil painting on cardboard, 24X48, 2009)
"But no one can lose sight of what he desires. Even if there are moments when he believes the world and the others are stronger. The secret is this: do not surrender."
Paulo Coelho
"It's best to have failure happen early in life. It wakes up the Phoenix bird in you so you rise from the ashes."
Anne Baxter
When I was twelve I painted a picture that I called “My name is Phoenix”. I painted it because I felt that I needed to define who I truly am. My real name 'Nataliya' was an afterthought on the part of my parents. I remained nameless for the first month of my life and was only given my name because it seemed like a good, neutral name to give to a female child. So when I was twelve I wanted to profess to the world what my real name was, a name that I felt would describe my spirit, a name that could shape my life.
Years later while reading passages from the Dead Sea Scrolls I found the same concept being described in “The Gospel of Truth”. The idea there was that a person must receive ‘his own name’ which will become his true identity. Later yet, I found the same idea in Paulo Coelho’s “The fifth mountain”. I chose to believe that if different people at different times came up with the same idea – the idea must be true. I find comfort in the constancy of human thoughts and beliefs. Cultures and religions change, but certain ideas stay the same throughout history...
Eighteen years after the first self-portrait as Phoenix I created another (grown-up) version of that painting and I’m proud that I could still call it by the same name. I’m proud that my spirit hasn’t changed in all these years. I’m proud of who I am today. I’m proud of the woman that I am and not as a twenty-year-old college student who feels proud to be a woman because she is told that she needs to be proud of who she is. I’m proud because I know who I am. I’m proud of my strength not because I’m a naturally strong person, but because I’m naturally weak and I’ve made myself strong. I fell apart more times than I care to recollect and every time I’ve put myself together with the power of my spirit and my intellect. Everything that I do is a reflection of who I am. I take pride in every action that I take. I don’t do everything perfectly. I’m still learning. I’m not afraid to admit that I wish I could do some things better. I could paint better, I could know geography better, and I could iron better…
I’ll keep on trying to be the best. However, I’m also completely at peace with myself, because every day I do my best according to my abilities as of that moment. I’m proud that I am the best that I can be today and that I do my best every day whether I’m working on a new painting or washing dishes. Being proud of oneself gives a person a sense of empowerment. It’s a wonderful thing that is achieved through mental strength. It’s achieved through knowledge that you won’t sway or falter no matter what life throws your way. It’s achieved when one stops feeling like a victim and chooses to be a victor instead, when one doesn’t blame others for his downfalls and realizes that his life is in his own hands and he alone is responsible for how it will turn out.
