"Finding my religion"
(oil & collage painting on canvas, 16X20, 2009)
"When we talk to God we are praying; when God talks to us, we are schizophrenic."
Lily Tomlin
Growing up in the Soviet Union meant that you were growing up without religion. I was baptized when I was twelve, when the Soviet Union started falling apart. However, as a little girl I somehow figured out that there was a power guiding me through life. I felt connected to something, although I couldn’t name what it was. I also felt everything connected to me. I saw signs all around me that I felt were meant just for me.
This knowledge of the existence of something greater came to be intuitively and also I had my doubts later on in life I’ve never doubted its existence as a child. It’s difficult for a modern educated man to adhere to a notion that there is something omnipotent and all-knowing that can influence his life whichever way it pleases. It’s also not easy to believe in a kind god when things don’t go your way or you loose somebody close to you. Traditional religious explanations for such occurrences can hardly satisfy a modern person. Taking a leap of intellect is much harder to take than a leap of faith.
I’ve almost lost my faith a few times. Every time I had my doubts I would get a feeling of being abandoned. I felt disconnected, because I chose not to pay attention to what the universe was telling me. And every time I would allow myself to believe once again that life is not as straightforward as it would seem for a non-believer, my surroundings would magically transform once again into a world full of energy, of love and of secret messages meant just for me. I consider myself a Christian, although I don’t pray regularly nor do I use traditional prayers. As Orson Welles put it: “I don’t want to bore God.” I find comfort in knowing that there is someone watching over me and I try to live my life so that I wouldn’t disappoint whomever it is.
